Expectations

What 12-year-old me wanted from life and what I actually got=two very different scenarios.

1. I would be popular in middle and high school.

It is KILLING ME TO POST THIS.

• Too big for my britches in elementary school? Perhaps. I thought I would be the hottest commodity in the friendship department once I got to middle school. I was also sure every girl would get a boyfriend, me included. Unfortunately, no one told me that middle school is ALWAYS awkward and nothing like any eleven or twelve year old could ever imagine. Also, I went to a school with a 3 girl to 1 boy ratio.

• Someone really should have told me that middle school is hard for literally every person and you're genuinely not alone. (Yeah, no one did and I felt like crap... so...)

• Stop posting extremely unflattering photos of yourself on your Facebook. The only people liking these posts are your mom and your aunt.

2. Being a fangirl would be the best thing in my life.

There's really no good caption for this. 2013 is and always will be the best time to be in the One Direction fandom.

• Don't tell Ashton Irwin that I wanted to marry him, but I totally did and being a fangirl actually took over my life and warped my psyche for a couple years.

• Fandoms can be amazing, but they can also be extremely toxic wastelands for bullying and promotes living in a fantasy world rather than the real world.

• You can love a band/TV show/whatever you want without letting it consume your life. Trust.

3. I would be the best dancer possible.

These were my best friend's pointe shoes. They weren't even mine. I was that obnoxious. Circa 2014.

• I had taken dance classes all throughout elementary and high school. I took a break in middle school because I thought I had gotten rid of the "dance bug". I hadn't, and I endured it from ninth to twelfth grade at my performing arts high school.

• I was never the best. Far from it, actually. What I had in technique, I lacked in creativity. My love for direction and theme was ignored due to my inability to pick up choreography as quickly as I wanted to.

• Wishing to be a good dancer does not a good dancer make. It takes hours, hours every freaking day, every day, for YEARS to achieve what some dancers "easily" pull off. I watched hundreds of technique videos, live classes, went to my own classes and worked my ass off, and still fell behind.

• Did I love what I did? Yes. Did I get exhausted? Yes. And did I eventually hate it? Yes. I was surrounded by teenage toxicity and was going through so much in my personal life that no one cared to understand or work around. I lost my love for dance because no one let me love it while I still could. It was a chore and I was dancing for everyone else.

4. A little more from no. 1... I would have a boyfriend.

A Facebook post I shared in 2013. My caption: "Um. Yes."

• This one is SO FUNNY to think about now. I can't even imagine having a boyfriend! I was surrounded by straight relationships — on TV, in my friend group, in my church — and didn't even know that gay people existed until Ellen. And then, my only encouraging role models were Kurt Hummel from Glee and my middle school friend who came out to me in sixth grade. Nothing I knew about LGBT people was real!

• I was extremely shy in middle school, but movies and television shows had convinced me that being a shy ugly duckling would definitely drive a cool, suave guy to my side. I wore thick black-frame glasses by high school and assumed this, too, would make my own Edward Cullen attracted to my scent.

• I was SO not emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship! Even by tenth grade, now a burgeoning "hot girl" in my small school, as a dancer and part of the in-crowd, I was so scared of basic intimacy. I grew up for years in a single parent household and had no idea what a healthy romantic relationship looked like (no offense, Mom). Yet, I was still convinced that the right guy would totally chase away all my fears and give me a wonderful taste of love.

5. My friends from high school would be my bridesmaids one day.

Spirit Week 2015. Kenzie and I were Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson. Because of course we were.

• I've lost touch with almost all my friends from high school. Of all of them, I'm still speaking regularly to two and friendly with a handful of others (and I'm not counting my girlfriend, who I met my sophomore year).

• I drifted from most of my core friend group the last semester of high school. Senioritis=strong. Depression=all time high. Friends=pretty much moving on, hanging out, and doing stuff without me because I isolated myself. And I don't really blame them! I was an island unto myself at that time.

• Friendships are allowed to morph and change. They may even dissolve and become a part of the past. Life is beautiful in that way! We may only be friends for a season, but the good memories will last forever.

• We were all different people at the end of the day. Only a few high school friends go to my university. Everyone else goes to an out of state school or went off to pursue their creative dreams. Time and distance can change everything in the fragile time between graduation and freshman year of college.

6. I would be single, but in a cute way... Meaning I would be single until college (or well after) and be a total flirt in high school. Super casual dating, etc.

December 2017. Rock City has the BEST lights during the holidays.

• This worked for a while. My track record in high school: a "boyfriend" during sophomore year (very brief and silly), a couple dates with an absolute angel from my class (beginning of senior year), a tumultuous fling with someone who shall not be named (also senior year, so so much poetry from this), and a traumatic experience with a friend. Then... there was her.

• Jo was my best friend far before we ever kissed. She was my rock in my hardest times, the funniest person I knew, and pretty much the best thing that has ever happened to me. We started dating after I graduated 2.5 years ago. Ah, young love.

• We have made it work with a long-distance relationship for a couple years now. She goes to another university over an hour away, but we always make time to see each other on breaks, the occasional weekend, and we go to concerts together! Also, FaceTime is an integral part of our relationship... we talk on the phone every night until I fall asleep.

• I quickly went from being single and ready to mingle to knowing this is it for me. She is more than enough for me. Jo is incredible, kind, intelligent, and perfectly imperfect. It was worth the heartbreak, the confusion, and the waiting.

7. I would completely overcome all my awkwardness, my weird tics, and my anxiety.

Clearly, this never happened.

• I have always dealt with anxiety, depression, and the normal struggles that we all understand to some degree. However, I was under the impression that once I was sixteen and cool, I would no longer have those problems. Who gave me this idea???

• I am twenty years old at the time I am writing this and I still have problems talking to people in public, making connections with people in classes and at jobs, and spend many a day in bed, unable to move for fear of the world outside. #justgirlythings <3

• The greatest thing I have learned over the last few years is that perfection is truly unattainable. I will be on medication for at least the rest of college. I will always be a control freak. I will definitely have really bad days sometimes. And I am okay with that! I have also found comfort in humor. I like to joke about wandering the aisles of Target when I'm having a really bad day but still peeled myself out of bed. I love connecting with other people that know what it's like to not eat a meal all day because of a chronically upset stomach that only iced coffee can soothe. (I wish I was lying.) But, this is who I, and many others, are.

If I could tell my 12-year-old self anything, it would be these simple truths:

You are so much more than the expectations you have for yourself. With all the things you expect to do and feel, you are setting limitations on yourself.

1. Life is going to be messy, but it will be so beautiful. You will fall in love, find your passions, and meet amazing people who truly get you. It just takes time. Nothing that radical happens all at once in your early teen years!

2. The person you are is not wrong — and don't even think of trying to change yourself for other people! This world will embrace you as you begin to embrace yourself.

3. Never, ever, forget your self worth is defined by YOU and you only.

4. There will be good and bad days. That's called balance.

And friends, these truths have changed my life. I know little Rachel would be proud despite the way everything has turned out differently than she expected.